Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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