I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
