I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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