You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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