I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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