Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just blew my weed a kiss
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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