I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
