I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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