so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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