I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
