i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
