So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
