I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
