Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
