he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
