How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
