Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
