I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
