The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
