I wish I could punch you in the face.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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