So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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