So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
