At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
