On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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