please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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