I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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