you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
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He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
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When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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