He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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