I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
