...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
