dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
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I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
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I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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