Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
