At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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