he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
