Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
