No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
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I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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