My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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