I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Vodka?
Forever.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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