I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
