i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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