Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
