she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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