Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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