I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
