she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
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What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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