Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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