i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
it hurts more in the daytime
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
