Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
