The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
