My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I intend to get homeless drunk
a search helicopter?!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
