I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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