I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
