I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
