Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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