At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
