I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
